I walked all morning to catch up with my thoughts, but the world kept moving and my thoughts kept going.
There is a fine line between controlling and letting go - but just enough to engage in controlled chaos - and I walk it every day. I used to walk it on the way to school, or to work, but now I just walk it on a treadmill-- reoccurring thoughts race under me, sticking onto my shoes, appearing and disappearing at a speed faster than my music.
I don't want to create art for the sake of self-satisfaction, or pity, or mastery. . . I want to type these words so that they jump out into your eyes and your heart and start to come alive, prodding your thoughts to emerge and run with mine.
We live on a platform now. We stand before each other, every day, confronted with a choice on how to present ourselves, how to maintain our virtual identities, how to maintain our physical entities, how to connect over the maddening events in our world, how to utilize our supposed skills in the medium that excites us most, how to grow, how to fail, on and on....
But has it ever been any different?
I'm not too sure it has. "It"-- the existential quest for meaning within the pulsing rhythm of day-to-day life -- has always been there, but the urgency of it all has seemed to increase tenfold. Why?
One year out of college, what's next? Why is it all always about "next"? Where am I now and what brings me happiness? Should it all be about happiness anyway, and what about something else-- world peace, solving hunger, random acts of kindness? Should this be the main goal? At this point, I'm pretty aware that my mind, maybe the collective unconscious, has been conditioned to believe that there must be some purpose there and there are certain steps that are socially acceptable to take to achieve it in the Eyes of society. . . public validation, self-vindication, ego-driven comfort,
But deep at night, in the purple abyss and the silence between words spoken and yet to speak, it is 11:11 and you feel that maybe wanting that goal yes, is a symptom of a larger issue, a rift from the Here & Now, and you struggle to convince others that no, you are not smoking weed and yes, you think like this all the time, don't you?
To break down walls, to un-fuck the world, to resurface Play, to Be at once here and now, here and there, here nor there, is my ultimate goal~ The Process of Panooshing~ to accept and say yes to both the good and the bad all at once, to find the similarities with others and embrace the difference, to be less harsh with yourself for feeling separate, for not pigeon-holing yourself as "neurotic" when you presumably think "too much" or beyond the limit of acceptable prodding, and let it all be, all at once, ebb & flow, ad infinitum, on and on,
Try to realize it's all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows within you and without you. . .
